Lowering The Bar

strategies for combatting perfectionsim

Ok, I’m not going to push the metaphor too far but, humour me for a moment.

You’re stood in front of a pull up bar. You’ve NEVER done a pull up in your life. Yet, the person stood next to you expects you to execute the most PERFECT pull up in the history of the universe.

What do you do?

Don’t even attempt it? Walk away? Laugh in their face? Have a go? Maybe you surprise yourself, and you get a semi-decent pull up out of it. Maybe you don’t. Who cares? You’ve never done it before, right?

Now what do you do if that person stood next to you expecting PERFECTION is yourself? Then what?

Now, I write this from a place of discovery, exploration and empathy. I recognise that I do this to myself ALL THE TIME. This horrendous idea of perfection is pervasive, and finds it’s way into every area of my life: Career, relationships, performance, my past. Sometimes it feels inescapable, and debilitating. However, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be and, like myself, you can take the time to recognise, confront, accept and grow from your persisting perfectionism.

With time I’ve discovered there are places in my life where perfectionism is less important, and I have more space and time for compassion and growth. This is generally with anyone else but myself, but it shows me that I have the capacity, and with time I hope more areas of my life will be open to having less pressure.

I WILL ALLOW THE POSSIBILITY TO ‘LOWER THE BAR’.

The bar isn’t a physical thing, it’s the target you set for yourself, your personal expectations of what you “Can” or “Should” be able to achieve.

As a singer or performer you might find that you set yourself targets based on comparing yourself to others, the feedback from people you admire, or other external or internal factors.

We all have aspirations and goals, but check in with them from time to time. It’s great to have a mentor or coach for this. Personally, I check in with mine every week, it allows me to recognise, challenge and move into acceptance more quickly.

In my line of work I deal with singers and musicians each day across Cheshire and Merseyside, some of whom are really struggling with this idea of perfection, or expectation, or a multitude of other pervasive thoughts surrounding their music, and their voice.

So here are some quick things that I’ve learned along the way that allow me to ‘Lower the Bar’ for myself and my clients.

WHO IS THE PERSON ASKING FOR THE PERFECT PULL UP?

Sorry, that metaphor again.

Is it you, or is it an external person. Recognising this can help you identify where these ideas are coming from. Maybe it’s not a person, maybe it’s a phrase that starts with ‘Must’ or ‘Should’.

WHAT ROLE IS THE IDEA OF “PERFECTION” SERVING?

Helping or Hindering? Sometimes setting your bar high pushes you, motivates you, and ultimately helps you achieve what you’re aiming for.

But guess what? Sometimes it can do the opposite.

WHERE ARE YOU AT TODAY?

“Today is not the day, and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”

This is the most important thing when I work with a client. Where are they coming from at that specific moment? Recognise your emotional state, your energy and try to accept them. You may find you achieve more by allowing yourself to be guided by those things.

And finally,

2 STARS AND A WISH.

This is possibly the hardest thing as a human living in a modern society surrounded social pressures, most obviously social media. Find 2 positives in the work you’re doing. Learn to find them first. THEN find the one small thing you could improve.

I can’t describe to you the improvement I see in clients who do this on a regular basis. They start to recognise where they are, and where they’ve come from. They see the small changes, they grow in confidence and self belief.

THE PERVASIVE IDEA OF A NEED FOR PERFECTION (WHILE STILL PRESENT) IS WEAKENED AND CHALLENGED.

My clients are able to lower their expectations momentarily, and revel in the joy of the things they have achieved.

For me, I find that despite my job I enjoy the freedom of the stage. In that moment I am the expert, I am assured, I am in control and even if I’m not, that’s ok. I relish the joy of being able to work with some other fantastic musicians and if I can give them the compassion to not always get things right, then I can do the same for myself.

I hope for all of you reading this, with time and space, that you make peace with your perfectionism, as I am trying to do.

REMEMBER:

IF YOU DON’T ACHIEVE PERFECTION, THIS DOESN’T DEVALUE YOU.

IT DOESN’T DEVALUE YOUR VOICE.

IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU LESS THAN.